REVIEW: DEAD AND BURIED

"Dead & Buried" opens with a scene of the worst flirting I have ever witnessed, and bear in mind I have seen me flirt.  But this is the sort of, "Hey - THAT'S a pretty name" flirting that makes you wonder how people ever breed.  It is toe-curlingly bad and I began to worry.  But then the girl stops flirting with the bloke. She invites a group of strangers to beat him mercilessly, torture him, tie him up and set him on fire.  I didn't see THAT coming.

It's the start of a disturbingly off-kilter horror film, in which the town of Potter's Bluff is struck by a series of brutal, senseless murders, committed by random townsfolk who appear - in all other ways - completely normal.  Small-town sheriff James Farentino investigates, and slowly uncovers a terrifying conspiracy lead by a practitioner of the Dark Arts.  But who IS the small-town witch behind it all...?

I can't say this is a great film.  It is 30 years old and looks it.  The acting is just ok, and it plays like a half-decent tv movie.  But the plot is essentially good, and the mystery is intriguing enough to keep you watching.  It's the sort of film that makes me wish those plonkers at Platinum Dunes would stop remaking the horror films we all know, and instead take the time to uncover hidden gems like this.  In the right hands, this could be truly nightmarish and scary - for example, the scene where a family falls into the hands of the residents has real power and the final revelation is pretty devastating.  It could have been another "Rosemary's Baby" or "Stepford Wives" - but due to pedestrian direction and a dull script never quite makes it.

"Bury me.... please... bury me...."

REVIEW: MARTY

Does anyone else remember Halliwell's Film Guide?  It was like IMDB back in the days before the internet when we had these things called "books" and was written by some old fart called Leslie Halliwell who didn't like any films made after 1962.  I remember his review of "Rocky", because unusually he liked it but commented that "'Marty' is preferable".

It's an odd comparison, because there is no boxing in Marty, no Apollo Creed and no drinking six eggs before running up and down steps.  But I kind of see what he meant.  "Marty" is what "Rocky" would have been like if the whole movie had been about the romance between Rocky and Adriaaaaaaaan.

It stars Ernest Borgnine in the title role.  He's a 34 year old Italian butcher who lives with his old-country mother.  He's seen all his younger brothers and sisters married off and is desperately lonely.  But he's given up on ever finding anyone until he meets Clara at a dance.  She's just been dumped, and since no-one else will dance with him they dance together and find they get along, "Maybe we're not such dogs as we think we are."

It's a nice scene, and Ernest Borgnine plays it well (he got an Oscar for this role).  If you're just used to seeing him playing only gruff army men, it's quite a surprise seeing him playing a sensitive chap.  So he and Clara get along great - but how's Italian ma going to feel about another woman in Marty's life?

This is a terrific little film, written by Paddy Chayefsky who is best known for for the Peter Finch film "Network".  He's got a great ear for dialogue and one of the joys of the film is all the side-bits of overheard conversation.  I particularly like the scene where two old ladies try to out-do each other with stories of people they know who have died.  It's also a great film for getting the feel of the 1950's, with those weird dances my father used to go to, where the women lined up on one wall and the men lined up on the other.  It's full of 50's dialogue and set in dingy pubs and coffee bars with jukeboxes and people who smoke.

I loved it, and if you're willing to give an old b&w movie a go, I'd definitely recommend it.  It's worth adding it to your LoveFilm list just to remember Ernest Borgnine for something other than "Airwolf".

MAN 1: I reckon a guy should marry a girl 20 years younger than him, so that when he's an old man of 41, she's still a pretty young doll of 21.
MAN2: That would mean he'd have to marry her when she's one year old.
MAN 1: I had not thought of that.

REVIEW: SUSPIRIA

Now if you are not familiar with Dario Argento he is the most famous of the "giallo" directors.  "Giallo" is an Italian word* that is used to describe a uniquely Italian cinema/literary genre that is best described as "Hitchcock Meets Itchy & Scratchy".  

Giallo is a genre filled with glamorous young women being murdered with VERY FREUDIAN blades and blood going all Jackson Pollock everywhere.  And "Suspiria" is Argento's most successful film. 

In a way, it is a departure from the usual crime/murder stories to a supernatural tale.  In the film, an American ballet student arrives at a German dance school seemingly run by a witch known as "The Mother of Sighs".  Anyone who gets too close to the truth is murdered - and we are not talking discreet poisonings or shootings here.  He are talking throats being slit and pouring out postbox-red blood.  You even get a shot of one victim's heart being lovingly pierced by the blade. Another meets her death in a room full of barbed wire.  (You'd think they'd have a sign on the door wouldn't you?  For example "SPIKY BARBED WIRE ROOM" right next to "SULPHURIC ACID ROOM" and adjacent to the "LOVELY FLUFFY BUNNIES ANNEX" etc).

The first in his "Three Mothers" trilogy, "Suspiria" is credited with being one of Argento's most coherent works.  Which is not to say that it actually IS coherent.  He's a writer/director more interested in saturated COLOUR and ATMOSPHERE and MUSIC.  I'm not conveying this well. Here's a picture. 

Never lend Dario your box of crayons is what I am trying to say here.  The red will come back as a nub.

The atmosphere is terrific and the soundtrack by Italian prog-rock band Goblin is one of the most memorably unsettling scores I've ever heard.  But is the film scary? Well, not to my tastes.  I found that it is not a film that attempts to generate fear, more a dreamlike atmosphere of dread and unease.  Worse, Dario is so into his visuals that he pays little heed to good acting or a non-crap script.  For example, there is one bit of exposition so clunky they actually have one expert introduce a SECOND expert so he can explain the plot to the main character.

So I found I admired the beautifully choreographed murders but was not in the least moved by them and decided not to bother with the semi-sequel "Inferno" (which they tell me makes even less sense) and the final part "Mother of Tears" (which even Dario fans seem to dislike).  

However, that's just me.  "Suspiria" routinely makes it onto "most scary films ever" lists, so please do check it out for yourself.

*  From the Italian meaning "Look out missus!!  Oooh too late!"

REVIEW: UP THE CHASTITY BELT

This is sort of a medieval sequel to "Up Pompeii", and concerns the adventures of Lurkalot (Frankie Howerd) an orphan who was dumped in a pigsty.  Eventually they realise he is not a pig and he becomes a serf and part-time inventor, often visited by Jean D'Arc type voices who tell him of his destiny:          
                                                                             
VOICES:      Lurkalot...  Lurkalot...                                      
LURKALOT:  Ooh!  Hello Voices!                                            
VOICES:      Tonight I shall tell you who you are!                        
LURKALOT:  Oh yes!  Tell me, Voices!  Who am I??                        
VOICES:      You are, in fact... (VIOLENT THUNDER) ...and that is how you came to be in the pigsty.
               
However, Lurkalot's idyll is shattered when he comes into conflict with the Baron De Bombast who has his eye on the chaste Lady Lobelia, daughter of Sir Cower De Custard.  ("Chaste?!  Well she is, I suppose.  But she falls down a lot.")                                                                        
                                                                           
In order to save what's left of Lobelia's virtue, Lurkalot fits his best chastity belt (The Knicker-Locker Glory) and then legs it to the Holy Land when his voices instruct him to get Richard back from the crusades:                
                                                                             
VOICES:       Lurkalot...  Lurkalot...                                      
LURKALOT:   Ooh!  Hello Voices!  Have you followed me from England?      
VOICES:       (Sarcastically)  No, I'm shouting.                      
LURKALOT:   Just what I need.  A funny fairy.                                
                                                                             
But - in a shock twist - Lurkalot finds that there's no such thing as the crusades!  It's all an elaborate ploy to get away from the wives and Saladin is actually a groovy cat (played by Derek Griffiths from 'P-L-A-Y Play Away' of all people) who runs a free love harem!  "Oooh, it's not like the pubs back home," exclaims Lurkalot to a scantily-clad belly-dancer, "I'll have half a Pint of bitter and a scotch egg please."                                    
                                                                           
Not only that, but it turns out that Richard the Lionheart has been "shacked up in a tent with some Turkish bint and a copy of the Kama Sutra" for the past six weeks.  "And he's only on page twenty-two!  It could be MONTHS before he comes out."

By happy coincidence, Richard bears a striking resemblence to Lurkalot so Lurkalot goes back to England masquerading as the King to rally support from Robin Hood and his Merry Men ("You're certainly getting your moneys' worth in this film.")                                                              
                                                                         
However, the merry men aren't quite what Lurkalot was expecting:              
                                                                           
ROBIN:       I don't like this lincoln green as much as our winter gear. Lots of leather thonging...                       Very tight across the hips...  Leaves nothing to the imagination...                          
LURKALOT:  Yes, very nice.                                                
ROBIN:        So what do you think of our camp, ducky?                  
LURKALOT:  That's definitely the word for it, yes.                            
                                                                             
Have you got the impression that this is perhaps not an entirely serious historical epic?  My god, this is a silly film, featuring a woodsman named  "Chopper" and Roy Hudd as a locksmith brought in to undo a chastity belt ("Ello, ello, ello!  That's a good start for a Monday morning!!")  Also - this being a film made in the early 1970's, casual homophobia and racism.  Would it make any difference if I were to point out that this film has actually pretty liberal attitudes for its time? Thought not.

There's obviously something wrong with me because I laughed and laughed - even ATthe most obvious double entendres.  In fact, ESPECIALLY at the obvious ones. I can't in all conscience recommend it to anyone else, I just needed to share My Secret Shame with you all...

"Have you heard of the Kama Sutra?  Well, it's - er - it's a bit like a whodunnit really.  To Whom.  And With What."

RANDOM STUFF: THE MUFTI CLUB

Caro, bless her, introduced the concept of the mufti day to me. This is when you spend the entire day in pyjamas and don’t do anything or go anywhere that is not conducive to pyjamas. If you do not own tartan flannelette breeks, then stretchy-pants are an acceptable alternative.

Apathy. I like that in a woman. In fact, if I were to name my top character traits I look for in a female lady they are –

1. Sense of humour
2. Staunchness
3. Intelligence
4. Real f***ing lazy

Take J-Lo for example. She is one of the most famous women in the world despite the fact that I’ve never thought she excels at anything much. She is PASSABLE in a lot of genres, but it seems to me that the only thing that really marks her out from regular normal women is that she is DRIVEN and AMBITIOUS. Hence: massively successful.

What a pain in the arse she must be to live with though! Ditto Jennifer Anniston! No wonder these people are always having “secret agonys” and “hidden anguishes” in the magazines. So like, if Nicole Kidman came round Leith, wanting to shag a Yorkshireman I would totally tell her to sling her hook. HIGH MAINTENANCE. Is what I am saying.

Ambition is over-rated. On the X Factor when they ask contestants how much they “want it” and the contestant says, “really, really”. I always think, “You fools!” To want something that badly is to forget about everything else. And the next thing you know you have achieved your dream but everyone hates you and thinks you are a total dick. Like all those driven and ambitious people on “The Apprentice”. What a bunch of f***wits.

So my inspiring advice to you – young people – is to scale back your ambitions. It will make you a more rounded person. Consider it an achievement if you do one load of laundry or spend time with the cat today. Turn over the telly and watch a documentary instead of “Homes Under The Hammer”. And see if you can make it to the supermarket and back for Jaffa Cakes. Even better, see if you can make it there and back in mufti.

And ignore the disapproving stares of those who wonder what you are doing in the freezer aisle in flannelette breeks and slippers. These people clearly lack ambition.

REVIEW: DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' - EVERYMAN'S JOURNEY

You know those moments on "Britain's Got Talent" or "The X-Factor" when someone gets up to sing and they look like Danny De Vito but then this VOICE comes out of them that sounds like Aretha Franklin is shagging your tonsils?  You know that moment?

If so then you should be embarrassed because those tv shows are RUBBISH.

Sorry, needed to get that out of my system.  Moving on.

So if you like that moment, you will love this documentary, which is about Arnel Pineda.  He's a singer from the Philippines with the quite weirdly shocking uncanny ability to sound exactly like Steve Perry. I mean, this is soft-speaking dude who talks with a Philippine accent.  But when he SINGS he has the power and the range and of a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit.

the documentary follows him as he is inducted by Journey to become their new frontman. Incredulous at first, then overwhelmed by the attention, what's great about Arnel is that he never lets go of who he is - a kid who once slept homeless on the streets.  

One of the film's most touching moments is when he wanders outside (looking for a phone signal) and is surrounded by fans.  He can't believe it.  "I was one of those people," he explains. Meanwhile the band discover just how many new fans they have from the Philippines (hint: a LOT).

"Don't Stop Believin'" is a heartwarming film about a genuinely good guy to whom good things happen.  And if you didn't have Journey's greatest hits on your iPod before you see it, you will soon after.

REVIEW: CYRANO DE BERGERAC (1990)

This weekend I sat myself down to view                    
A rollicking tale of derring-do                    
                                                   
With a dashing hero and a winsome wench                
It's just a shame it's all in French              
                                                   
The subtitler must have had a hell of a time      
For all that Frenchie-talk is in rhyme                  
                                                   
It's the story of Cyrano with a great big conk    
And his cousin Roxane, whom he'd like to bonk    
                                                   
His cousin?  It sounds like "Jerry Springer"      
But I see his point, for Roxane's no minger      
                                                   
But with a nose like a Zepplin, he's got no chance
(Though nose-size may indicate what's in your pants)    

Plus she likes Christian who's kind of a twit  
With no talent for words or rhymes that fit    
                                               
But to win over Roxane you need brains too    
Unlike many women, for whom vodka will do      
                                               
So Christian delivers words composed by Cyrano  
To seduce Roxane - tres cunning, no?        
                                               
It's Cyrano's only way to be able to love her
For he'll never be able to get his leg over
                                               
It works like a charm and all goes so well    
Til the Count de Guiche turns up like a smell

He hates Cyrano and loves Roxane              
And is really just a dirty old man            
                                               
He troubles the lovers no small amount        
And really is a total Count                    
                                               
To say anymore of the plot would spoil it      
And you would shove my head down the toilet    
                                               
This is a great film, with lots of panache    
Big battles, romance, heroes cutting a dash

I definitely think you should give it a whirl          
Though it might make you cry like a six year old girl  
                                                       
(I hope you realise that I'm not talking about me  
Cry?  Ha ha ha!  No I'm dead hard, you see).              

I shall give this here film 10/10            
Because I can watch it again and again

Finally I must mention the great Depardieu
And then bid adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu