RANDOM STUFF: THE MUFTI CLUB

Caro, bless her, introduced the concept of the mufti day to me. This is when you spend the entire day in pyjamas and don’t do anything or go anywhere that is not conducive to pyjamas. If you do not own tartan flannelette breeks, then stretchy-pants are an acceptable alternative.

Apathy. I like that in a woman. In fact, if I were to name my top character traits I look for in a female lady they are –

1. Sense of humour
2. Staunchness
3. Intelligence
4. Real f***ing lazy

Take J-Lo for example. She is one of the most famous women in the world despite the fact that I’ve never thought she excels at anything much. She is PASSABLE in a lot of genres, but it seems to me that the only thing that really marks her out from regular normal women is that she is DRIVEN and AMBITIOUS. Hence: massively successful.

What a pain in the arse she must be to live with though! Ditto Jennifer Anniston! No wonder these people are always having “secret agonys” and “hidden anguishes” in the magazines. So like, if Nicole Kidman came round Leith, wanting to shag a Yorkshireman I would totally tell her to sling her hook. HIGH MAINTENANCE. Is what I am saying.

Ambition is over-rated. On the X Factor when they ask contestants how much they “want it” and the contestant says, “really, really”. I always think, “You fools!” To want something that badly is to forget about everything else. And the next thing you know you have achieved your dream but everyone hates you and thinks you are a total dick. Like all those driven and ambitious people on “The Apprentice”. What a bunch of f***wits.

So my inspiring advice to you – young people – is to scale back your ambitions. It will make you a more rounded person. Consider it an achievement if you do one load of laundry or spend time with the cat today. Turn over the telly and watch a documentary instead of “Homes Under The Hammer”. And see if you can make it to the supermarket and back for Jaffa Cakes. Even better, see if you can make it there and back in mufti.

And ignore the disapproving stares of those who wonder what you are doing in the freezer aisle in flannelette breeks and slippers. These people clearly lack ambition.