I am a misanthrope. Please don't take it personally. Individually, you are all lovely people and I care for you very much. But as a crowd, in large numbers - EN MASSE - you get on my tits. Here are some notes for you to allow us to get along better.
- Staring at the sandwich counter in Marks & Spencer will not make your favourite sandwich magically appear. Choose a bloody sandwich and move on.
- Before you get in the lift, you must first allow me to get off. Standing there prevents me from doing this. It is not a difficult concept.
- Charity muggers in the street. I am clearly trying to avoid you. Take the bloody hint.
- If you are planning on calling me tomorrow and fake-cheerily asking, "Have you got a minute to talk about your phone contract?" let me save you some time - "No, because I hate you".
- People who do not understand technology. Stop trying to use the self-service counter in Tesco's. You, with your packet of biscuits.
- Man On Bus Next To Me Today: Stop that ****ing coughing.
If you can all abide by these few simple rules I'm sure our relations will improve. I know I feel better already.
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