If you have ever been in a chick's fashion shop you will have noticed, I am sure, the bored assistants, the crap music and the groups of embarrassed looking men in the corner of the store. They look around, they look at the ceiling, they play with their mobile phones and check their watches. I have been one of those men. I have exchanged tight-lipped, eyebrows-raised smiles with them and nodded at them as if to say, “We’d better be getting a BJ for this later”.
Ah ha ha ha ha! I am kidding! Joking! As if we’d expect our wives/girlfriends to trade sexual favours for such things! Moving on.
But the horror does not end there. As if it is not bad enough being dumped into what is essentially the “Soft Play” area for adult males in a clothes shop, we are then asked for our opinion.
I used to dread it, but thanks to Tim Gunn of “Project Runway”, I now have a secret evil stratagem. I have learned and stored and saved some KEY PHRASES which I am willing to share with you boys. Chicks, look away –
So, okay, they’re gone. Here’s the first thing you must learn. When asked the question, “What do you think?” NEVER NEVER ANSWER RIGHT AWAY. It shows disinterest! And disinterest = later chick phrases like “Fine then” and “Thanks for the lovely day out”. (Hint: Neither of these should be taken literally because chicks are kind of weird like that).
So when asked for your opinion, adopt the thinking pose. Like you are viewing a piece of abstract art or trying to remember where you left your slippers. One hand to the chin. Rub the chin. Take the other hand and put it on your elbow. Look to the ceiling then cock your head to one side. Are you doing all that? Good, that’s enough thinking time. Now say one of the following –
“That’s a lot of look” –
Holy crap. You look like "Into The Groove" era Madonna.
“Hmmm... I’m not responding to this piece” –
I’ve just blanked and have no idea what to say.
“It looks inexpensive,” –
IMPORTANT NOTE. You might THINK this is a good thing but it is NOT.
“It’s a little boxy” –
Makes you look like a dude.
“That’s very fashion-forward,” –
I wonder what is on tv right now?
“I see what you’re going for, but it’s a little avant-garde for my taste,” –
You look like Jackie Stallone.
“This confuses me,” –
Should be used with a wave of the hand. To be aimed at the most expensive element of the outfit.
“That’s got a great silhouette!” –
Cleavage! Woohoo!
“That’s very complimentary to your figure,” –
Cleavage and bum! You should buy this. I will even pay.
“What shoes would you wear with that?” –
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. If the answer is, “those cute kitten-heels I bought last week” then encourage the purchase. If it is, “I don’t know” then buying this dress will TRIGGER SHOE-BUYING, AOOOOGAH! AOOOOOGAH!
“Hmmm… I'm getting a bridesmaid feel from this,” –
This is the one to use for frocks so expensive they require a 2nd mortgage. It is a powerful phrase that will cause wife/girlfriend to drop the dress like it just threw up on her. Use it sparingly, my friend.
“That's a strong look for you, sophisticated and confident.” –
I have been in this ****ing shop for forty-five minutes. I cease to care. Buy the ****ing thing.
Men, I hope you found that helpful.
Women, you realise I just saved your marriage, right? You’re welcome.
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