RANDOM STUFF: LOVE & LOW STANDARDS

I have had conversations with women lately regarding pressure to be:

a) Skinny
b) Young
c) Pretty
d) Skinny
e) Reeeeeally effing skinny

As a man, there is not this pressure. We are allowed to be bald and have actual stomachs without people pointing at us in the street. Well, I take that back. There is a pressure to be tall. But since one cannot lose short by going to the gym or not eating Doritos, I try not to let that one bother me*.

Then there is all the female grooming, which I am going to blame on marketing. Because seriously, I have seen the adverts and they seem to be based on the premise that women are just ICK. Or to put it another way, the underlying message seems to be that unless you shave it, dye it, cover it up with makeup and then scrub it off again with expensive exfoliant NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU.

This is patently untrue, by the way. Ask yourself a question. Would any man ever refuse to have relations with his wife because she had forgotten to shave her legs?

MAN: Yeeeeeek! Get them off me! Get them off meeeeeeee!!!

The answer is no. Although as a man, can I just say that if you (woman) are at the “stubbly re-growth” stage do be aware that you may be inadvertently sandpapering your husband’s private areas. Not that he will complain if he knows what is good for him.

Nevertheless, leg-shaving is something that most women seem to feel is necessary. But as a male dude who is not a lady, I am curious. What occasions warrant leg-shaving anyway?

a) Doctor appointment
b) Wedding anniversary
c) Husband suffers extreme allergic reaction
d) Dust-bunnies sticking to legs

Of course, marketers continue to be evil and lately there seems to be a concerted effort to convince men that they also need to primp, pluck and wax to achieve attractiveness. I suspect the young chaps may go for it, but not my generation whose farty motto seems to have been “Wooooo!! Get a load of that one!”

My point is this. Men’s standards are by necessity low because otherwise we really couldn’t stand to be in the room with ourselves. If you (woman) are having difficulty choosing what clothes to wear, bear this in mind; most men choose their outfits based on the criteria of “what doesn’t have stains on the front or a hole in the rear”. And vice-versa.

So women who are even now considering applying some balm or potion to themselves should rest assured that the ridiculous pressures applied to you by your horrid magazines are irrelevant to men. Really. Your imperfections are a part of you and we love them as much as you love ours. All we want is for you to be happy and to for god’s sake GET OUT OF THE EFFING BATHROOM in under an hour in the morning. Do that, and we will love you forever.

* You cannot tell but I am standing on a box while typing this.