REVIEW: QUO VADIS

"Quo Vadis" is the film that Hollywood made to try and encourage nana and pops from out behind their new-fangled, valve-powered goggle-box and out to the pictures to see a film in full-colour GOD-O-VISION - because this is a religious tale about the struggles of early Christians in Rome. I should add at this point that I am not in the least religious myself, but that is all right as this is a mainly historical tale in which miraculous events are kept to a minimum.

The tale has an arrogant Roman general (Rod Taylor) returning to Rome in triumph after a bit of smiting. This is actually very well done. They have Rod going through the impressive crowd scenes on his chariot, while a little bloke stands behind him reminding him that he is not a god. I am told the Romans really did this, in order to ensure their generals didn't get too full of themselves. And I believe The Edge serves the same purpose with Bono.

Rod attempts to seduce a young lady (Deborah Kerr) only to be rejected because she is a Christian while he's a pagan. But the Christians are in for it, as Nero burns Rome to the ground in order to make way for a home cinema and bowling alley extension to his palace - but blames the Christians for the inferno. And here I come to the reason for watching this film - Peter Ustinov (yes, again). He told a lovely story on Parkinson about working with Charles Laughton on the film. Laughton used to like to come over to his rented house to use the pool and one day Ustinov's young son ran into him - Laughton had let his hair grow long for the part and was wearing a towel -

SON: (Loudly) Who's that lady?
USTINOV: (Meaningful whisper) It's Sir Charles Laughton and he's one of our most eminent, well-respected actors. He is NOT a lady.
SON: (Even more loudly) Then why does he have breasts??

But I digress. Ustinov's Nero is a joy to watch. He's an effete, talentless artist, vain and cruel. Probably one of my favourite Nero-isms was his reaction to watching a Roman senator who has converted to Christianity being burned alive -

NERO: Calamity and woe! To fall from such exalted heights! To be reduced to this! I shall write a poem.

If you ignore the psychopathic sadism, Nero was a bit of a comedy emperor (like when he entered the Olympics and won everything, including events he didn't take part in). But this is not a film that takes accuracy too seriously so you shouldn't either. Still, "Quo Vadis" is a tale told on a scale they just don't do anymore, and thoroughly enjoyable if you like Roman malarky.