RANDOM STUFF: ****ING ****!!!!!

So yesterday I swore at a piece of software. I had spent hours writing a document that – POOF – just disappeared. When I tried to get it back, I got the three hours ago version that I had started with such naive optimism.

I summoned up the entirety of my remaining strength, closed my eyes and brought forth the foulest epithets I could muster. It was a torrent of abusive language so vile, so perverse I could feel the air ripping around my head. Dogs howled. Angels wept. Somewhere, a lovely fairy exploded. I felt much better.

I did not say them out loud of course – people would say I was unprofessional and besides, if office workers started swearing out loud it would be like a Tourette’s Convention every day.

However, there is research, conducted by academics using actual science that have proved swearing can be positive. In a study, students were split into two groups and pain was inflicted upon them. The first group was only allowed to say “Gosh darn it” and “Whoa Nelly”. Whereas the second group was allowed to use rather more fruity language that rhymed with “grit”, “trap” and “motherducking sock-cooker”.

Here’s what they found. The second group could ENDURE PAIN FOR LONGER. Sweary words serve a valuable purpose! They allow for a controlled release of tension! So ladies who are currently in labour while reading this, go for it! Call your husband the most depraved filth you can imagine! Bear in mind that soon you will have an unruly toddler running around your house, drawing on the walls and wiping their bottoms on your curtains. You are going to NEED those swearwords so you may as well start practising now.

My wife is especially good with the swearing. I remember years ago when we were trying to help our landlady sell the flat we were renting from her, we would show potential buyers around. One young couple looked around but seemed a bit put off by the kitchen. It wasn’t until I turned around that I noticed my wife had rearranged the magnetic letters on the fridge to spell out “ratsh*t pigf*cker” on the freezer door. I don’t think they put in an offer.

I am not shocked by her easy use of the filth. I hear swearing on the street and on the bus all the time. I blame our high-pressure environment. In Geoffrey Nunberg’s book “Ascent of the A-Word” he says uncivil language reflects modern incivility, and I agree - it is city life that does it. You don’t get it so much in the countryside. You very rarely hear the phrase, “You b*stard hedgehog” or “You motherf*cking adorable squirrel”, for example. But I worry that city folk are over-using the salty-talk. That they say “f*ck” so often it is turning into a comma or a hyphen. See, we don’t want “f*ck” to become acceptable. We need it to remain FORBIDDEN or it will lose its power. Then we would need to invent swear-words involving new things we find repulsive or vulgar, as in “You are starting to Piers-Morgan me off” or “I have just stepped in a steaming pile of Justin Bieber”.

I suppose the question is, why are the swearwords we have now the ones that are forbidden? I went to see “The Vagina Monologues” where they try to rehabilitate the word “c*nt” by pointing out that it’s actually a pretty groovy thing as body parts go and we would certainly miss it if it took the huff over being associated with the likes of Simon Cowell. They do this exercise where they get the entire audience to chant the word in unison in order to “reclaim the c*nt”. As I left the audience, I met a friend who greeted me with a cheery cry of, “How you doin’ me old c*nt!” Sadly, this new usage didn’t really take with us and soon we were back to saving the c-word for when we saw Mel Gibson on the telly.

I just wish I could be bleeped like on the telly. Because then it is all left to the imagination. How much more powerful would it be if, when someone annoyed you, you could BLEEP at them and have them insert the worst profanity they could imagine instead of your having to think up something clichéd and over-used? That could be the best iPhone app ever, and include swanny-whistle noises, door-buzzers and football rattles for when you REALLY want to let go at someone.

Of course, this would require software, which is where I came in. But here’s a marketing idea! What if Microsoft or Apple actually MARKETED new products and software with swear-words built-in? I would definitely buy “Microsoft F*cking B*stard” or “Apple Ratsh*t Pigf*cker”. If my documents got wiped I could scream “F*cking B*stard Microsoft!!” right in the middle of the office and no-one could claim I was being unprofessional. Now there’s a Biebering BRILLIANT idea.