REVIEW: CRIMSON TIDE

In between al-Qaeda and the Soviets we had a little break when there really weren't any credible enemies about. It was a sad time for action movie fans and we had to make do with films about Arnold Schwarzenegger picking flowers and Sylvester Stallone doing the laundry. Fortunately, those clever chaps in Hollywood had a FLASH of inspiration. "I know!" (they said) "We'll have the Russians turn nasty again!" How DO they come up with these ideas??

"Crimson Tide" is such a film and stars Denzel Washington, Gene Hackman, James Gandolfini and Viggo Mortensen who is currently number 1 on Caro's laminated list. I like watching films with Viggo in, because afterward I get to have sex, often for as long as 5 minutes, although I do have to brandish a sword and give stirring speeches in Elvish. Look, I'm not proud.

In the film, Denzel is senior officer on a nuclear sub under Cap'n Gene. Gene is a no-nonsense sort of chap, so when he's ordered to unload his nuclear arsenal on a Russian insurgent he fires up those bad boys and is about to press the button when...

Incoming message! Incoming message! The message reads...

"Dear crew of nuclear sub. Hope all is good with you. The weather continues fine and the President said to tell you his piles are improving. Now then, I expect you are wondering about that launching a nuclear attack and starting World War 3 thing we called about earlier? Well the thing is - you'll laugh when you hear this - what the President actually meant to say - and this is
REALLY important by the way - is that we should under NO circumtances - ooh bum I've run out of change for the phone box...BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP..."

Dammit! Do they launch or not? Denzel says they should await reconfirmation, but Gene's got an itchy trigger finger and orders Denzel REMOVED... Will Denzel take this lying down?

Well of course he won't! So starts a nail-biting battle of wits between the two men over who will gain control of the sub and the missiles therein.

I suppose it's all rather by-the-numbers, but it's competently done all round and speaking purely for myself, I was terribly relieved that World War 3 didn't actually happen frying us all to a crisp, as this would have been somewhat inconvenient.